Role Reversal...

I am not a hypocrite. I am not a hypocrite. I am not a hypocrite.


If you only knew how much I find myself freaking out these days when I see new spots of pigment appearing on my skin. They're tiny, unnoticeable, ridiculously small to the untrained, non-Vitiligo-recognizing eye... 


First it was my face... I accepted it, embraced my "freckles", learned to love them (am still learning), and then of course found MAC makeup and my life was transformed by how easily I could camouflage the newcomers, the intruder spots, the invaders who started arriving without warning. The freckles on my face are in constant fluctuation - some grow, some shrink, some fade. I learned to deal with it because I can cover it and it's not much compared to what other people have to go through.


And then, I got one or two little freckles on my shoulders. They're cute, I think they look like sexy little moles when I wear strapless or sleeveless clothing. They are also tiny, beautiful brown spots that I actually don't have a problem with because there's only a few of them and they are very strategically placed on my shoulders to look a little attractive, I think...


And now a week ago, I noticed a tiny, minute, looks-like-the-tip-of-a-pencil spot starting to form on my forearm. And the freaking out begins. In the past year it seems my skin has decided to reverse itself. People will tell me I'm being silly, they are only small dots of colour, it means nothing. But they don't know that's how it all started 20 years ago. Small little dots of white that meant nothing at the time.


I'm getting way ahead of myself and my thoughts are moving faster than my brain. Can I do this? Can I go through this natural ebb and flow of my skin playing tricks on me and deciding when it wants, without any consideration to my life and my wishes and my current state of mind, and how long it took me to get to this point of acceptance? Can I go through this... AGAIN? Another 20 years of my skin reversing itself, very possibly driving me to madness in the process and sending me straight over the edge of yet ANOTHER identity crisis?


Do I reconsider my thoughts on bleaching? And risk being labelled a hypocrite even though everyone should understand that things change, people change, opinions change? And that you never know a person's life until you experience it? Do I wait it out? Do I monitor the situation or take action now? Do I smile and lie to you guys, my readers, and pretend like right now it's fine and I can handle this and if my skin reverses itself, I'm going to hold my head high and go through it publicly like I did before and then be the same person at the end of it all?


I'm not a child anymore. This time is different. There is no bubble of protection like there was before. I have learned to rely on my skin to help me be who I have to be now... if it changes on me again, I'm scared to death that I will change as well...


Rambling thoughts of a crazy person...

Strength, Not Pity!

A quick one this week!

I had a little down time last week. On one of my down days, my father called from abroad and gave me one of those pep talks that I love him for, you know the kind that makes you feel like you can whizz right on up into the sky and take over the world? He is amazing at those.

During this talk my dad said something that stood out to me so much that I wish to share with you all:

"I built my daughter on strength, not pity!"

Wow. That phrase has stuck with me like gum on the bottom of my shoe. That's exactly what my parents did - they never pitied me or my condition... They never showed stress or anxiety in my presence because of what I was going through... They made sure that they were nothing but an example of strength and confidence so that I could follow suit and grow strong for myself when that time finally came for me to leave the bubble and comfort zone of 'Mummy and Daddy protecting me'. 

I think they did a good job. I remember my parents' way of making me strong, whether I was prepared for it or not. Dance class, netball, volleyball, tennis, piano, gymnastics, drama group, band practice... you name it, I did it. And the scenario was always the same: drop me off at the front gate, tell me to go and  have fun and I make it inside by myself... I talk to people by myself... I do it by myself. Scary, but it worked.

The number one instinct is survival... So thanks to my Dad this time, I'm back in the sky and taking over the world :)