Re-Pigmentation During Pregnancy

Since becoming pregnant, I've noticed a definite increase in re-pigmentation on my face and other parts of my body. Again, they are still only the size of little moles but it is adding up over time and it seems that a new one appears daily. At this point, there is nothing I can do to treat them, as I refuse to take any medication or put any chemicals on or in my body for prolonged periods during this time (understandably so). Not to mention that production of melanin increases in all women during pregnancy, so even those who don't have Vitiligo may notice darker areas of skin when expecting. So right now, this is normal.

However, it is making me even more determined to get rid of these marks once and for all once the baby comes. The up and down of re-pigmentation/de-pigmentation has become too much of a roller coaster in the past 2 years, accelerating beyond my wildest imagination and triggered by the slightest change in my lifestyle or mood. Furthermore, I want to know what it feels like to wake up and walk out of the house with some mascara and lipgloss in this hot climate and not have to layer my face with foundation to cover the thirty-something spots of pigment on my face every time. 

What's more, in my line of fashion work, people see me a certain way and believe that how my skin looks with makeup on is also how I look naturally (despite following this blog or my progress with Vitiligo in general) and it seems hard for them to remember to be discreet the one or two times that I have ventured out with my marks showing, only to hear the remark: "Oh, you're breaking out!"

It's not encouraging. No, I am not breaking out. I have the same condition I've always had that you have always known but just forgot to hold your tongue about in your shock that my skin is not flawless or that my feelings may not be affected by such insensitive comments.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for the day. Still struggling with the decision...

Decisions, Decisions...

I've been contemplating it for weeks now. The little "tip-of-a-pencil" pigment spot on my forearm is now the size of a small mole. How's that for rapid? Not to mention the two little creepers that have appeared un-announced above and below my right eyebrow.


I contacted my dermatologist to discuss my options. Well, the truth is I only really have two options: live with it and see what happens, or de-pigmentation. So I'm making an appointment to discuss de-pigmentation really. No decisions on going through with it after discussion yet.


Scared? Me? To death. It's more the psychological decision that is bothering me - I used to cringe at the thought of someone choosing to bleach their skin, simply because when the option was offered to me at the age of 12, it felt like a rejection of my true identity. I know it's "what's inside that counts", but let's get real, the colour of your skin is a part of your identity as well. I mean, look at what the public did to MJ when I was going through my transformation, how could a decision like that not bother me?


So... I hope I have your support. And I hope nobody else judges me for this decision (especially those who have so ignorantly commented that I am 'rejected by the black community and will never be accepted by the white community'). I'll let you know how the appointment goes... Oh, and I would still want to keep that cute little constellation of three spots forming a triangle on my left cheek. I don't know why, but I like them!

De-Pigmentation, Re-pigmentation...

For most Vitiligo sufferers, the major concern when patches of lighter skin start to appear, grow and multiply is: How do I get back my original skin colour? How do I make these white patches disappear?

Undoubtedly, this was the case for me as well when my Vitiligo first started developing. Treatments are most definitely geared towards retaining and restoring the original skin colour to the patient. Of course, as I have mentioned before, in very extreme cases of Vitiligo such as my own, where more than 80% or so of the body is completely de-pigmented, the option to “bleach” the remainder of the original skin colour could be put on the table. Please note that this is not an easily attainable option and most doctors are incredibly wary of suggesting this to their patients as it is indeed irreversible but also there is a question of the psychological effects and therefore the ethical issue of choosing that path.

The automatic assumption, and very rightly so I would imagine, is that every patient wants to retain their original skin colour, because that is the way we were born and that is the way that we know ourselves and how our peers know and identify us. Everything that can be done will be done in the hopes of eliminating, or camouflaging, those pesky and devastating white patches.

After almost twenty years, my skin is now completely one colour. Granted it is not the colour I was born with, nor is it the colour I would choose had I been given the choice at the time, but it is the colour I ended up with. Over the years, I have been asked:

• ·         What if your colour comes back?
• ·         Can your colour come back?
• ·         How would you feel if your colour came back?
• ·         Do you want your colour to come back?

When I chose not to bleach the remainder of my dark patches (at some point, “dark skin with white patches” changed to “white skin with dark patches”) at the age of twelve, I did not feel mature enough or responsible enough to dictate what colour my skin should be. The thought of doing something to my skin that was irreversible was terrifying to say the least, because at that time, I knew that the possibility of the Vitiligo reversing could indeed happen. I did not want to eliminate the chance of regaining my beautiful brown skin.

That was then and this is now. I always thought that having my original skin colour would solve my problems, being able to tan would stop me getting taunted by others on the beach or in the Caribbean, everything would be fine if I turned back to the way I was.

Now, I am older and just a little bit wiser.

It took me almost two decades to get to this point. Two decades of my life spent adapting to the changes that my body was making. And two decades to finally be a person that I could live with and accept and that others could also accept for who I am. Going through those changes as a child and a teenager was hard – probably the hardest thing a teen can experience – but the truth is, at a young age, you still have that bubble of family and strong support that helps you through moments of weakness. As an older woman, one who is now trying to stand on her own two feet in the world, I don’t know if I could muster that strength from within to experience another two or more decades of my skin changing back.

I don’t think I have what it takes to be that strong again.

I don’t want to be a yoyo every twenty years of having my skin decide between completely black and completely white. It took this much to get here. It took this much to accept being at this point. I don’t think I can do it again.

So, would I like my original colour back? Yes, I would love to know what it feels like to look like I would have without my Vitiligo. But do I want my original colour to come back now? No. As strong as I may have been going through that transition, it was a strength that took a lot out of both me and my family. Looking back on it, I don’t remember how I got through it, all I know is that I did.

I am not a white woman by definition, nor do I believe that being white is better in any way, but I have adapted to make my situation work for me. If I had remained with patches, I would have adapted to make that work for me also, the way so many of you do. Either way, I would adapt. But I don’t think I would have the strength to do it again. When one of my “freckles” or “beauty moles”, as I like to call them, starts to grow, or a new one appears, I get very anxious. I would never try to bleach them (knowing what bleaching entails following a particular incident in 2008), but I do get scared that it might be happening all over again. The irony of course being that it is still happening now because I never stopped being a Vitiligo sufferer! I still have Vitiligo, which people tend to forget!

And this is why I have so much respect and admiration for those of you who still go through having your patches in today’s world and holding your head high. I don’t know if I could. I remember that at some point I did it, I must have done to reach this day, but I doubt whether I could find that inner strength once again for the reversal. It’s taking enough inner strength to live with a completely different skin colour that isn’t even my own…