Discretion is a Virtue...

Sometimes in this world, it's not WHAT you say to someone as much as it is HOW you choose to say it.

When I was younger, children were the most brutally honest in their reactions towards me. This, of course, is always a reflection of the way they are being taught by their parents or how they see their parents react to certain things. In Syria, I had people coming up to me to actually rub my skin to see if it would come off... I've also had children asking their parents loudly whilst pointing directly in my face: "Mum! What's wrong with THAT girl? She looks like she has a cow's skin!"... There is not much you can really do to defend yourself at the age of 8 or 9 when that happens, because it's up to the parents of that child to teach them discretion, whilst still remembering that it is a child you are dealing with. The world is a cruel place.

Then there is the polite yet curious child, my favourite kind. In a supermarket in Cyprus, when I was almost 8 yrs old, a little boy of about 5 or 6 was with his dad and said, not too loudly and without pointing, but they were near enough to myself and my mother to be heard: "Daddy, why does that girl's skin look like that?" His dad proceeded to scold him, but it was unnecessary because you could tell that this little boy genuinely was concerned and wanted to know the reason. My mum encouraged me to go up to him and explain. She said to me that sometimes people will say horrible things, but there are some people who will really want to know about my skin and about me, and I should always be ready to answer any of those questions instead of feeling uncomfortable. She said: "It's better that they ask you outright, than stand across the room and point and comment."

After explaining to the little boy that my skin was patchy because I had a condition called Vitiligo etc., I made a friend for the rest of that hour in the supermarket. He apologised if I had been offended (he was incredibly mature for his age, obviously!) and asked if he could walk with my mum and me as we shopped. It turned out to be a positive experience overall, and at the end of the day I much prefer if someone simply asks, instead of assuming they know.

This anecdote brings me to the real purpose of today's post, which is to reply to an email I received early this morning. I wanted to share this with you to show the more tactful individuals who have contacted me that not everyone thinks in the same way, and also to answer the questions I was asked by this particular individual, no matter how it was written.

The original email, unedited except for name omission:

Hi Marcel !

My name is ****** and i recently stumbled upon your biography while researching art online. Needless to say i could not believe it until i saw your photo!

I want to know if you feel like a .......Person? A Black Person? A White Person? Or, perhaps is it more dramatic, like the change of sex when a woman trasforms into a man and vise versa?

Do you lie to yourselfwhen it comes to being black or white?

Can you compare it to changing your looks when an actor applies his(her) makeup he has to play a role?

If all people on Earth would have one skin color and look exactly the same, would there still be any racism left? Do you think that you "act differently" because, technically, you are a white person ?

Ethnically, you look like an Italian or Southern Spanish. Some Finns look like you too, or Swedes

My reply:

Hey ******, thanks for your email.

You asked some very interesting questions although some of them are a little confusing. For example, I do indeed feel like a person, after all, I am a human being so I'm not sure how to feel any otherwise.

As for whether I feel like a black person or a white person, I am mixed race to begin with and so I feel all of these things at once, my skin is merely the visual contact with which other people identify me. I enjoy the fact that people cannot pinpoint where I come from, or what race I truly am, as it entails more than a skin colour, there are facial features, hair characteristics etc. I do not like being categorized or compartmentalized in any case, and believe that my current condition is a positive in the sense that I cross racial and ethnic boundaries with the way I look. I have been asked which box I tick on forms that require Ethnicity details; I refuse to tick "Other" and wish there was a "Mixed" box, however due to my pride of being West Indian, I usually settle for "Black and White Caribbean".

You are the second person to say I look Italian. I get Spanish quite a lot; if my hair is straightened out I may get Eastern European; I currently have bangs which some people say makes me look somewhat Oriental; I have been told I look Turkish as well as Venezuelan; after a few failed attempts, most people do start naming Scandinavian countries in an effort to figure out where I come from. No one has ever said Trinidad.

I think having a skin condition like Vitiligo is a little more serious than an actor having to apply makeup for a role - I will speak for myself when I say that a person with Vitiligo only wishes to be who they are and not play any role to satisfy anyone else. However, we are faced with society's definitions of what we are every day, it requires a lot of strength and fortitude to take a stand and make the world accept you for what you are and not what they want you to be. Unfortunately, not everyone who suffers with a skin condition or disease has that kind of confidence, which is exactly the awareness I am trying to bring to the forefront.

I don't think the Earth was meant to have everyone the same colour, that concept is slightly utopian and unrealistic when you take into consideration climate or even other factors like race (race does not equal skin colour, let's get that straight), nationality, religion or cultural factors which would still set us apart from one another. We've been on the earth for quite some time now and still cannot agree who is right or who is wrong. I doubt erasing all skin colour would solve that problem.

When a child asks me why my skin is so white, I need to be a little tactful with how I put it to them, but I think I have come up with a reasonable explanation that satisfies all parties. I ask if they like to see lots of differently coloured crayons when they open up their crayon box, or would they prefer to have only one colour to use for their colouring books? The answer is always the same - everyone likes to have choice. So I tell them that in the same way a crayon box has a lot of different colours in order to make the prettiest picture, the world was created with people of many different colours so that we would make it a more beautiful and exciting place.

I have to object to your question about "acting differently" because "technically", I am a human being. "Technically", I have DNA like every other Black, White, Indian, Chinese, Spanish or European person in this world. "Technically", I am not a White woman. My heritage and bloodlines say otherwise, as does my original skin colour. I am a mixed race woman, and I don't see that I should "act" a certain way because my race dictates it? Is our behaviour not dictated by our upbringing, our nurturing, our environment and the world we are otherwise exposed to? If someone is physically abused in their youth, might they not act differently to someone of the same skin colour who was not abused? I think you may be touching on the stereotypes of Black or White people that are fed to us through the media - Ebonics or other such factors. Behaviour is not exclusive to race so I'm sorry that I don't know how to answer your question. I doubt I could in any case since I grew up in the Middle East and Mediterranean and was witness to other religions and ways of life, which all contributed to how I behave as a human being and not as a Black or White woman.

I hope my answers helped you, and I hope you don't mind that I allowed other people to see this discussion, as you did touch on some issues that I had planned on bringing up at some point on this blog. Thank you once again for your email. Be safe and blessed always.

Darcel (not Marcel)