I've been contemplating it for weeks now. The little "tip-of-a-pencil" pigment spot on my forearm is now the size of a small mole. How's that for rapid? Not to mention the two little creepers that have appeared un-announced above and below my right eyebrow.
I contacted my dermatologist to discuss my options. Well, the truth is I only really have two options: live with it and see what happens, or de-pigmentation. So I'm making an appointment to discuss de-pigmentation really. No decisions on going through with it after discussion yet.
Scared? Me? To death. It's more the psychological decision that is bothering me - I used to cringe at the thought of someone choosing to bleach their skin, simply because when the option was offered to me at the age of 12, it felt like a rejection of my true identity. I know it's "what's inside that counts", but let's get real, the colour of your skin is a part of your identity as well. I mean, look at what the public did to MJ when I was going through my transformation, how could a decision like that not bother me?
So... I hope I have your support. And I hope nobody else judges me for this decision (especially those who have so ignorantly commented that I am 'rejected by the black community and will never be accepted by the white community'). I'll let you know how the appointment goes... Oh, and I would still want to keep that cute little constellation of three spots forming a triangle on my left cheek. I don't know why, but I like them!
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Role Reversal...
I am not a hypocrite. I am not a hypocrite. I am not a hypocrite.
If you only knew how much I find myself freaking out these days when I see new spots of pigment appearing on my skin. They're tiny, unnoticeable, ridiculously small to the untrained, non-Vitiligo-recognizing eye...
First it was my face... I accepted it, embraced my "freckles", learned to love them (am still learning), and then of course found MAC makeup and my life was transformed by how easily I could camouflage the newcomers, the intruder spots, the invaders who started arriving without warning. The freckles on my face are in constant fluctuation - some grow, some shrink, some fade. I learned to deal with it because I can cover it and it's not much compared to what other people have to go through.
And then, I got one or two little freckles on my shoulders. They're cute, I think they look like sexy little moles when I wear strapless or sleeveless clothing. They are also tiny, beautiful brown spots that I actually don't have a problem with because there's only a few of them and they are very strategically placed on my shoulders to look a little attractive, I think...
And now a week ago, I noticed a tiny, minute, looks-like-the-tip-of-a-pencil spot starting to form on my forearm. And the freaking out begins. In the past year it seems my skin has decided to reverse itself. People will tell me I'm being silly, they are only small dots of colour, it means nothing. But they don't know that's how it all started 20 years ago. Small little dots of white that meant nothing at the time.
I'm getting way ahead of myself and my thoughts are moving faster than my brain. Can I do this? Can I go through this natural ebb and flow of my skin playing tricks on me and deciding when it wants, without any consideration to my life and my wishes and my current state of mind, and how long it took me to get to this point of acceptance? Can I go through this... AGAIN? Another 20 years of my skin reversing itself, very possibly driving me to madness in the process and sending me straight over the edge of yet ANOTHER identity crisis?
Do I reconsider my thoughts on bleaching? And risk being labelled a hypocrite even though everyone should understand that things change, people change, opinions change? And that you never know a person's life until you experience it? Do I wait it out? Do I monitor the situation or take action now? Do I smile and lie to you guys, my readers, and pretend like right now it's fine and I can handle this and if my skin reverses itself, I'm going to hold my head high and go through it publicly like I did before and then be the same person at the end of it all?
I'm not a child anymore. This time is different. There is no bubble of protection like there was before. I have learned to rely on my skin to help me be who I have to be now... if it changes on me again, I'm scared to death that I will change as well...
Rambling thoughts of a crazy person...
If you only knew how much I find myself freaking out these days when I see new spots of pigment appearing on my skin. They're tiny, unnoticeable, ridiculously small to the untrained, non-Vitiligo-recognizing eye...
First it was my face... I accepted it, embraced my "freckles", learned to love them (am still learning), and then of course found MAC makeup and my life was transformed by how easily I could camouflage the newcomers, the intruder spots, the invaders who started arriving without warning. The freckles on my face are in constant fluctuation - some grow, some shrink, some fade. I learned to deal with it because I can cover it and it's not much compared to what other people have to go through.
And then, I got one or two little freckles on my shoulders. They're cute, I think they look like sexy little moles when I wear strapless or sleeveless clothing. They are also tiny, beautiful brown spots that I actually don't have a problem with because there's only a few of them and they are very strategically placed on my shoulders to look a little attractive, I think...
And now a week ago, I noticed a tiny, minute, looks-like-the-tip-of-a-pencil spot starting to form on my forearm. And the freaking out begins. In the past year it seems my skin has decided to reverse itself. People will tell me I'm being silly, they are only small dots of colour, it means nothing. But they don't know that's how it all started 20 years ago. Small little dots of white that meant nothing at the time.
I'm getting way ahead of myself and my thoughts are moving faster than my brain. Can I do this? Can I go through this natural ebb and flow of my skin playing tricks on me and deciding when it wants, without any consideration to my life and my wishes and my current state of mind, and how long it took me to get to this point of acceptance? Can I go through this... AGAIN? Another 20 years of my skin reversing itself, very possibly driving me to madness in the process and sending me straight over the edge of yet ANOTHER identity crisis?
Do I reconsider my thoughts on bleaching? And risk being labelled a hypocrite even though everyone should understand that things change, people change, opinions change? And that you never know a person's life until you experience it? Do I wait it out? Do I monitor the situation or take action now? Do I smile and lie to you guys, my readers, and pretend like right now it's fine and I can handle this and if my skin reverses itself, I'm going to hold my head high and go through it publicly like I did before and then be the same person at the end of it all?
I'm not a child anymore. This time is different. There is no bubble of protection like there was before. I have learned to rely on my skin to help me be who I have to be now... if it changes on me again, I'm scared to death that I will change as well...
Rambling thoughts of a crazy person...
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