Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Letter From A Skinned Alive Reader



I get a lot of emails and messages from people around the world throughout the week, which usually spur me on to continue writing on the Skinned Alive blog. Sometimes a letter will help me choose what topic to touch on and sometimes, like now, the letter itself is too good not to share.

I was sent this last week by a reader and her letter was very touching. It helps to see things from someone else's perspective. She highlights perfectly what it is to be afraid of your patches and how vulnerable it makes you. Here's her story:
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Hi Darcel,
Thanks for writing back to me a couple weeks ago. I enjoy reading your blog posts, as well as your Facebook posts on Skinned Alive. I wanted to share something with you that took place after I read your blog posts a couple weeks ago.

First of all, just to give you a little background, I have always felt very ashamed of my Vitiligo and have really struggled over the years to come to terms with it. I have always kept my patches hidden as much as possible and have struggled with self-acceptance on many levels. I also have really bad eczema, two different types, so it sometimes feels as if my skin defines me somehow.

My background is a bit different from yours. It was a bit unstable, and there was some abuse, which is what started my lack of self-acceptance. I was always told I was ugly and worthless....even though I really wasn't. I had beautiful long dark hair as a child, but I never believed I was beautiful. When I developed these skin issues, it made it that much harder for me to love and accept myself. No one in my family that we know of has Vitiligo, or eczema for that matter, which leads me to believe that my skin issues were the result of emotional trauma. If you think about it, our skin is the biggest barrier of protection against the outside world. The fact that I have so many skin issues tells me that my "barrier" has been violated and feels so vulnerable. I have slowly been trying to address some of these things from a holistic point of view (body, mind and spirit), and I am introducing a lot of compassion into my life that I've always lacked from others and from myself. I'm trying to 'love' on my skin and the many issues I have with it.

When I stumbled upon your blog and read every post, it spoke numbers to me. You said,
"Sometimes I let my skin matter to me more than it matters to others." 
Isn't that the truth?!! I have paid more attention to it than anyone else has. My husband has never had a problem with it, nor anyone else, but I continued feeling repulsed by it, covering it up like some horrible disease.

I found myself in tears when you said,
"My skin won't behave itself, so I sometimes feel like I am losing me, or the me I have learned to identify with.

I could identify with that SO much. For years and years my biggest fear was that my vitiligo would reach my face, and that everyone would finally see it and be repulsed by it. I was terrified of the idea of it on my face. I didn't care if it showed up all over my arms and legs, just as long as it stayed far away from my face. Unfortunately six months ago, I developed a patch directly above my left eye, and it is slowly spreading. I cried and cried when I first noticed it. It was my worst fear coming true and I felt like I was slowly loosing myself. I'm still scared!

I knew I needed to show this spot on my eye compassion, rather than doing what I have done for so many years....dodging the mirror with disgust and shame, hating every part of my Vitiligo. I was still struggling to show it compassion until I read your blog posts. I loved the quote by India Arie,
"I am not my hair; I am not this skin; I am not your expectations, no... I am not my hair; I am not this skin; I am the soul that lives within." 

After reading all of of your posts, I found myself standing in front of a mirror crying so hard ....feeling SO sad that I had been so mean to myself all these years. Sad that I had made it so much bigger than it really was. Sad that I had 'abused' myself by rejecting my skin, instead of loving it. I stood in front of that mirror finally able to look at myself and say, "I am SO sorry! I'm so sorry for being so mean and hurtful. From now on it stops! I will learn to love and accept you!"
It's been two weeks since that time and I am slowly learning to love myself...ALL of me. Not just my skin, but myself as a whole. For years I felt defined by my skin. It was as if I was walking around with a distorted pair of glasses on, seeing only the bad things in myself....things that no one else but me saw. I have been my own worst enemy. I find myself slowly taking off those glasses now and becoming 'whole.' 

I would love to be strong enough one day to be of some encouragement and comfort to someone else going through this. Right now, however, I am on this new journey trying to heal and show myself compassion every day.

My husband and I are currently living in Italy. I find myself traveling all over, trying to 'find' the me that I kept hidden for all these years. I want to know myself in a way that I have never known before because I was too busy beating myself up. Last week I went to Paris. This week I went to Venice....and who knows where I'll go next week. All I know is that I just want to let "LIFE" inside my heart and start living! I don't want to be that timid, frightened girl anymore. I want to be free to love myself no matter what I look like!

I love that you have learned to accept yourself from such a young age. I'm 30 years old and I feel as though I am taking baby steps for the first time in my life. I'm finally ready for healing and peace. I'm ready for a new start.

I also quoted Ann Curry when she said to you on the Today Show,
"Compassion and understanding is the road, and not separation and judgment." That's where I am right now. Learning to show myself compassion and understanding for the first time in my life!

I just wanted to share that with you since you've played such a big part in this new 'path' I'm on now. The only thing I wish were different about your blog is that you would post more frequently! :) I love reading what you have to share. 
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